*note – this was written months ago and has been sitting in my queue for some time. Though some of my thoughts have changed, I’m leaving it as it was originally written.
So I’ve been doing this blog thing for a while now. When I feel like I have something to write about and need to feel productive, I log into my WordPress account and start typing away.
Apparently I have more to say than I realized, because write on here quite often. I usually have at least two blog posts scheduled in my queue, and I like to keep it that way.
Its been fairly therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings. It has also left me feeling rather open and vulnerable. There are things I’ve written about here that I don’t really like discussing. I’ve had some of my lovely friends read over my posts and feel the need to reach out to me after doing so. As loved as their efforts made me feel, it also made me feel very uncomfortable.
Not because I don’t appreciate their support, but because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. In my experience, being flawed and vulnerable is often seen as weakness to exploit. I’m not good at defending myself.
I also don’t want to be seen as attention seeking. Because I’m so self-motivated, self-contained and introverted, I’ve often been seen as selfish. I’ve been accused of being selfish, arrogant or egotistical and time again and systematically bullied or torn down for having any shred of confidence, that I become anxious anytime I’m in the spotlight. Attention is terrifying.
Any time I put myself out there, I know it’s only a matter of time before the old cycle starts again. It’ll only be a matter of time before people see me as lacking, will see my flaws, will see me as a fraud, as disikable, pathetic and unworthy. I will say things that will be misinterpreted, misunderstood or just be taken wrong or seen as unacceptable.
Before I even started blogging, I remember telling Sienna Saint-Cyr just how scared I was of even trying to write a blog. I was afraid of exposing myself to the world, of having someone read what I have written.
When I first started playing on the internet, it was small. There were lots of hidden corners where you could be yourself, and there wasn’t the risk of world wide ridicule or being picked up by the news or even those you knew in real life knowing about your online mistakes. We were all figuring out the rules of this new media.
Now, though… it’s a much scarier place. But Sienna and some of my other friends pushed and encouraged me. So far, it’s been a fairly good experience.
Perhaps it was egotistical of me to think anyone would notice my little blog here in a shady corner of the WordPress world. Maybe my real trials are yet to come. It takes time to rub people the wrong way. I know this from experience. Give it time, check back here in a year or two and see if I’ve burned the site to the ground yet.
But, it’s been a good ride so far. I’m certainly not an expert yet and surely have more to learn. I don’t know how much of my blog people actually read or how interesting they find the content. But it’s motivation to write.
The occasional comment and like is a little pat on the back. I know I’m reaching people. If someone relates to me and what I write, at least I’ve reached that one person. If I reach one person, then they know they’re not alone.
Because as much of a loner as I am, as solitary and self-contained as I am, I do enjoy that human connection. I love that by writing, I am able to express myself more clearly than I ever can through speech. And the thought that I could connect with someone through my personal thoughts and musings truly makes me happy.
And so I will keep writing for now. I will keep blogging. I will not be ashamed of who I am. I will not let fear hold me back.