Writing in anger

Writing in anger or about anger is not something I often allow myself to do. Not because I think anger is something that should be ignored. But because I think we should THINK before we act.

Reacting out of anger is often a mistake. Taking time to think things through and come at things with a level head is a much more appropriate way to do things. I have worked very hard on stepping back and being mindful of my anger.

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I have read up on appropriate ways to engage, no how to speak without using accusations, how unproductive it is to bring up the past. How derailing and detracting from the issue at hand does not help resolve the problem. I try to deal with things directly and clearly. Approach the problem, do what is needed to resolve it and move on without hurling accusations or low blows.

I am a logical person. I prefer to resolve issues.

Anger isn’t productive. It’s hurtful and destructive. To the people it is aimed at as well as the person feeling it.

It disgusts me when I see people who relish being hurtful, who want to tear other people down. Being mean, with the intent to harm, is bullying. I can be sympathetic and understanding if the bullying tendencies are coming from someone who is a child, or someone some how impaired, or if it happens once or twice due to lack of mindfulness.

But if it continues to happen, I have very little tolerance of it. Adults do not bully or mock. They do not tread on other’s feelings with the intention to do harm. I do not intend to cause harm to others, and so do not want be involved with people who are vindictive, hateful or vengeful.

And if I’m arrogant for saying so, then so be it. I will own this opinion. I will sit on my high horse and say you’re being a fucking child for being an asshole.

I have had hate, jealousy, anger and bitterness aimed in my direction enough times for it to stir a righteous anger in me. Being petty, being cruel, intention to harm, is not okay in my opinion, in any setting or circumstance.

I don’t think it’s okay to purposely manipulate or play with people’s emotions.

I try to be forgiving of these things when I see friends or associates engaging in these behaviors. At times, it is unintentional. We all have ways of coping and some are mal-adaptive.

But the more and more I see it, the more it bothers me.

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I’ve also come to realize that the more I’m around people who engage in these sorts of behaviors, I find myself engaging in them too. I become more numb to it, I am convinced that its okay simply by being exposed to it.

It’s not okay.

It’s not okay for me to be around. I don’t think it’s okay to engage in. And I’m beginning to realize that I have a boundary there that I need to enforce.

I have no interest in dealing with other people’s hate, acts of aggression, reveling in maladaptive behaviors, vengefulness, hatefulness, bitterness or cruelty.

An occasional comment, a flash of anger, a healthy amount of venting when something needs to be released, I’m okay with that. I like to listen and care for my friends. I want people to know that I AM there for them. I will love and support them and do what I can for them to the best of my ability because I would like to have that same respect in return.

But when I begin to protest, when I comment that I don’t want to hear anymore, I expect people to respect those boundaries. I’m not here to be dumped on or used because I listen. I have my limits.

And when I speak up, I expect to be respected.

I’ve had my boundaries on these issues pushed a lot. I’ve made the mistake of thinking that people think like I do. That by expressing my discomfort, I would be respected as much as I respect them. I’ve been told that venting is something healthy, that I need to just deal with it. That when I play devil’s advocate I’m being dismissive.

No.

When I ‘play devil’s advocate’ I’m saying, you may be angry, but it’s not the world against you. There are more than one side to things. The world isn’t black and white. There isn’t an ‘us’ vs ‘them’. We are all people deserving of respect and love.

I’m not going to play into anyone’s echo chamber and cultivate narrow mindedness and hate. I don’t do that ‘group mind’ or ‘us’ vs ‘them’ bullshit. Yeah, it might cause some cognitive dissonance, but you can get the fuck over having your little world view shaken up a bit.

I deal with it all the time when people come at me telling me how wrong I am for being who I am on a pretty regular basis. Because I’m not average. My way of thinking is not the norm.

And guess what I do? I question myself. I LIKE IT. I WANT to be challenged. That little squirm of discomfort means that need to THINK about how I’m acting. This is how I grow.

THIS is my core belief:

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And hatefully tearing down someone, even in private, to make yourself feel better, might make you feel better in the short term, it will not solve the problem. If anything, focusing on that anger can make it greater.

Venting means saying something to get it off your chest. Work through it. Put it outside of yourself, see it for what it is, and move on.

I make comments when I’m annoyed and irritated at a situation. Because people do frustrate me. But usually, once I get it out, I’m good. Yeah. My husband pisses me off. My kid can be a little shit, people I have to deal with irritate me.

I get through with a roll of the eyes. Usually I laugh a little on the inside, because to be honest, it’s funny. The human condition is funny. It’s funny how worked up we get about things.

But I don’t hold it in. I don’t relish it and cultivate it. I don’t harbor resentments and anger. I don’t hold grudges. At least, I do my damnedest not to.

Sure, I’ll remember when someone was an asshole to me. I’ll mention it to my friends or family or colleagues, because you know, my opinion is valid and it’s okay to express my opinion. And when someone has hurt me, yeah, I’ll feel grief and sadness over it. But after that, I’m like, “Okay, this person is a person. We all make mistakes. I forgive them.”

If it happens again, okay. Maybe I’m doing something wrong to get this reaction. I’ll think about it, file it away and if possible, approach the person with my concerns. I’ll keep an eye on the issue. Maybe I’ll bitch about how this person rubs me wrong once in a while. I’m allowed to be that human. But I won’t harbor hate or vengeful feelings. I will not hold a grudge or hope to harm them in return.

But if it keeps happening, I sure as fuck don’t want to deal with them anymore.

There’s more than enough anger and hate in this world. I do not need to add to it. And I don’t need it aimed at me.

And quite frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of trying to fit into a world where people rail on about how awful the world is and how much they’ve been wronged and yet actively go about causing the same harm to others.

So I think I may have to cultivate my own righteous anger and start drawing lines in the sand when it comes to dealing with people whose anger I am exposed to. Then I need to allow myself to get angry enough to uphold that boundary and quite literally, tell them to fuck off with their hate, pettiness, jealousy, aggression, arrogance and vindictiveness.

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This isn’t fucking high school. It’s life. And there ain’t no one getting out alive. Suck it up and deal with your own shit without bringing me down.

Because I plan on living as happily as I know how and cultivating my good karma and enjoying my family and things I’ve worked fucking hard for.

 

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