Gonna be alright

I’ve posted recently a lot about angst, anxiety riddled self doubting, and depression. I’m officially done with it. At this point, I believe I managed to flip the switch and remembered who I am.

I am strong and damned determined. I will not let negativity weigh me down. As one of my friends said to me earlier, I like to “stare into the abyss,” but that doesn’t mean I have any intention of jumping in.

I am aware of the stark contrast of the darkest depths, the bittersweet reminders of mortality. But as pessimistic as I may seem at times, I am, through and through, an optimist.

Photo by Piku at freeimages.com

There’s two ways to look at this. Either you’re at the bottom looking up, or there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I think it’s amazing how bright the light is against the contrast of the darkness of the tunnel. Its a beautiful sight. And I’ve learned so much by struggling towards that light. Photo by Piku at freeimages.com

Perhaps it is this desperate belief in the good in the world, in people, my compassion and empathy that leaves me open to being knocked off my feet by the smallest betrayal. I forget that not everyone sees the world as I do. That they do not feel as I do. I believe that cruelty, anger and grappling for power never alright.

I would rather turn my anger inward than inflict that anger and hurt on someone else. And while this is not healthy, and I still lash out in frustration because I’ve seen it done so many times in my life, I am working on it.

Recently, I found I was absorbing stress from someone. I truly felt for this person, and still do, but I found myself exhausted. A tension grew in the relationship and it turned. I’m not going to analyze why, but it hit me hard.

It brought to mind all the times I’ve felt betrayed by people in my life. All the times I gave and gave, only to be found lacking because when you’re trying to fill the hole in someone else, it will never be enough. But all I knew at the time was hurt. Hurt and confused.

I want desperately to be loved in my life. I have always felt out of place, on the outside, different and strange. Like I was born on the wrong planet.

I have trouble understanding the motivation of others. When I discover or realize that I am not liked, when people make passive aggressive comments, start insulting me, treating me poorly, or I realize that they’ve been speaking poorly about me, I am devastated. Not because I’m so naive to think no one talks about one another, or that people wouldn’t be frustrated with me. I am devastated that someone would purposefully act maliciously.  When their goal is to cause harm.

One of my first encounters with this sort of relationship was in high school. I dealt with all the nasty comments that teens make, those were just part of life. It was when a friend of my one of my best friends at the time came onto the scene. She tolerated me at first, and then started picking at me, making comments, doing little things to push me out of our small social circle.

I did nothing in return, it’s not in my nature. I was desperate to stay friends with those who were close to me in that group, and managed to salvage one of the friendships. I was insulted, mocked and humiliated for far longer than I should have tolerated.

It scarred me. While I managed to regain some confidence by my senior year, and in college, I think I fell into bad relationships in some desperate attempt to feel like I could understand people like her. Encounters with these sorts of people have often been insidious. They have a way of gaining my naive trust and then work to dismantle it.

The disturbing part is, I see the red flags when dealing with these people. I always think, this time will be different. This time, I will be strong enough. I can put in the distance I need. I respect myself enough not to be hurt, and maybe, just maybe I can help them.

Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I’m wrong.

I realize, now, though that my best defense is confidence. My own determination to find happiness and joy in my life.

Artists like Jewel have always appealed to this side of my nature. Her music is so raw and open and honest. Each of her albums mean something special to me, and I pick and choose certain songs and albums to lift me up when I need to be reminded that being sensitive is a good thing to be. That everything will be alright.

I give her latest book the credit for helping to pull me out of my latest pit of confusion. Well, that and my dearest and truest friends who I went to talk out my frustration. Their desire to defend and support me still brings me to tears. Though I wish no ill on anyone, it feels good to know I have people in my life that get mad for me, who want to go to bat for me. And I love them so very much for it.

L and J, you know who you are, if you read this.

Anyone-can-make-you-smile-many-people-can-make-you-cry-but-it-takes-someone-really-special-to-make-you-smile-with-tears-in-your-eyes.

Jewel’s book, Never Broken is so full of positive messages, and ends on a note of encouraging the reader to always initiate change in their lives. That we are never too broken to grow and change for the better. I’ve always known this, and work towards this realization eventually on my own when I go through a difficult time, but having it so clearly outlined by someone whose work has always appealed to me, was just what I needed to hear.

I would pick a few lyrics of Jewel’s to share here, but so many of the songs helped and still help to up lift me, I’d like to just encourage anyone reading this to listen to her at her Youtube Channel.

Though I think “Sensitive” might be the best song to encompass how I feel writing this entry. It has always been a favorite of mine.

“I’m Sensitive”
Jewel

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn’t take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why’s it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I’m hated?
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we’ll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I’m sensitive
And I’d like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we’re told we’re bad
Then that’s the only idea we’ll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
‘Cause anyone can start a conflict
It’s harder yet to disregard it
I’d rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me ’cause I’d like to stay that way

 

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