Solitude often makes me happy.
I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, social issues and loneliness most my life. I’m the artsy introverted type. It’s just who I am. I spend a lot of time alone to recharge and think. I love escaping into to books, comics, good anime and my own worlds. I also used to love to go out and work with my horses for hours on end.
I do like people, though, and need to interact with people to fulfill my basic needs. Most the time I’m good on my own, but I do worry that there are so few people who care about me and my well being. I can’t handle everything on my own, and sometimes it just feels good to know someone cares.
Unfortunately, though, I have a difficult time with the rules of friendship and relationships. I don’t like to play games or compromise who I am to fit what someone else wants or needs from me. I don’t deal well with passive aggressiveness or manipulations.
You see, I have this flaw… I have a hard time understanding why people would do things with cruel or harmful intentions. I don’t think that way, so it’s hard to imagine other people would. When I speak my mind, people often read into what I’m saying and assume there is judgement in my words when there is not.
I don’t care that other people think or do things differently than I do. But if I don’t agree with someone, I’ll simply say it. I don’t expect the other person to change because I don’t agree. If I’m dealing with a friend, I respect them and don’t judge. I certainly don’t intend harm in anything I say.
Obviously not everyone is that way. People do intend harm. People do manipulate and use each-other. Many people seem to enjoy knocking others down so they can feel good about themselves. I’ve never understood this.
I want to feel good about myself by proving that I am good. Even if someone harms me, I don’t need to see them hurt in order to feel better about it. Someone else’s failing or emotional turmoil isn’t going to help me or make me a better person.
Hate breeds hate, and I won’t engage in it if I can help it. If I dislike someone, it is often because they show a lack of respect for others or a capacity for cruelty and harbor ill intent towards others. And this is where my logic often confuses others. I can dislike someone and not hate them. I can still wish them well, because the ways in which they lash out is often as a direct result of their own insecurity and fear.
I can forgive someone their failings and walk away. In fact, I prefer to walk away. I’m saddened that the friendship or association has ended. Especially when the person in question does genuinely seem to have good intentions and treated me well, but they have a deeper issue. I can still respect a person as a flawed human being and make the choice to not spend time with any more for my own mental health.
It bothers me that so many people need for things to be black or white. They need to be on this side or that. In order to be a good friend you need to be loyal.
I hate the word loyal and what it seems to mean. To some people, it’s an all or nothing pact. I can’t do it.
I cannot be loyal to a person or a group or an idea if I do not agree with things that are going on or being said. I won’t sit idly by without speaking up. If those around me can respect my need to speak my mind, then that’s wonderful. I will respect their need to do what ever it is that they need to do, even if I don’t agree. But if they need me to just shut up and go along with something I disagree with… I can’t.
And so, friendships end. I have often become ostracized from whatever group I might have temporarily been a part of. And it’s unfortunate, because it is simply because people cannot and will not accept someone who’s not willing to just go along with a group.
So I walk away.
Time and time again, I walk away.
Though it hurts to not fit in, I’m tired of changing myself. I’m tired of fearing that every word I say will be misunderstood. I’m tired of worrying that I present myself in an unacceptable way.
And I realize that the only way to live in a life without judgement is to live a solitary life.